Life is not easy. There are so many things in my life which gets me down. I think I experience trials and hardship more than that experienced by the ordinary man. Foremost, I have such difficulties in my social relationships with people around me. It is of quite an abnormal kind that I don't observe other people having. I can sit by with a group of people in social setting and remain awkwardly quiet, unfriendly, and aloof. And while the chatters and banters are exchanged and traded, there I am straining over knowing what is going on and knowing what to say. At the end of the day, people would usually form the impression that I am weird. And from the way they interact with me thereafter, the effect formed from their impression of me is quite palpable. Apparently, there is a name to this condition. It is called Asperger's Syndrome and I was diagnosed with it after a very difficult social experience in the Scouts while I was in St Joseph's Institution.
Another thing which really gets me down is my hearing difficulties. I don't hear as well as I used to. I sustained some hearing impairments after attending a loud concert called the Sundown Festival in August 2010 at the Resort World Sentosa. After that, I experienced Tinnitus, and I up till today, I have trouble hearing what people are saying when there is just a little bit of background noise. It is frustrating and kind of like a nightmare to me in life. I think I would have to live the rest of my life with this difficulty and it upsets me. When I have to ask people to repeat several times and yet not be able to make out what they are trying to say, it upsets me, and I know that it would be irritating to people if I have to ask them to repeat what they said several times. One of the things that really showcase my difficulty is that I find it hard to know what the cashier behind the counter is saying when I am ordering my food. I can't make out the price to which she or he is asking for. Another is in a social situation when I am talking to another person, and there is a lot of background sounds. I have to explain myself as having hearing difficulties and not being able to make out what the person is speaking to me.
These are things which really affects the core of my psyche, such that when I am in experience of these problems, my sense of peace and stability is truly affected and my mind is caught in a whirl. I truly cannot maintain a facade of stoicism when I reckon with these problems of mine. These problems affects my ability to conduct myself functionally in society.
I wish to find my peace in God, because I know that with God, there is hope that he can help me in my difficulties, or that he can give me the peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7). But it angst me that my problems do not go away even though I ask and plead with God to take them away from me. I have laid in bed throughout the night, in anxious prayers that God would heal me and take away my problems from me, and that all will be well the following morning. But the morning comes, and my problems remain. It causes me much grief.
I don't think I can find any peace on my own. There are the likes of human philosophies from the stoics or the Buddhist who think that inner peace can be obtained by the inculcation of some philosophy. All these are deceptive. There is no true peace that can be obtained from these vain philosophies. But God can grant peace. He can heal our infirmities, and grant us anything we want and all that which is God. This is a God who created the universe, he is infinitely powerful and almighty. No problems are too big for him. Even if he does not take away all our problems, he can grant us that peace which transcends all understanding and that shall make our lives easier even with all the problems that abounds.
I am not sure why God doesn't seem to be answering my prayer. Some may say that I have not enough faith, or that I am praying in a wrong manner, or that I am sinful. And all these are likely true. But I don't think I shall beat myself over it. I think God is more gracious than that. It is by his goodness and graciousness that he gives good gifts, like a father who cares for his son. We don't say that the son obtained good things from the father because he was a good child, but simply out of the gratuitous provision of the father. I suppose that God might have other plans in not answering my prayer in the way I want it answered, and in his wisdom, he wills things. Otherwise, he might be asking me to wait and that he will answer my prayers in time to come. Perhaps even, I might be in a test such as Job in the bible, and in this time of trial, I must remain faithful till the end. Compared to the trials of Job, mine pales in comparison. Yet, I haven't remained as steadfast as Job did. I have these involuntary utterances at the moment that started during my school term break in June, such that I utter "There is no God", or "God is dead", or "I hate God" on occasions. I don't endorse any of these things which comes from my involuntary utterances, and I think that God will understand this predicament that I am facing and would not deem me as having cursed him. But I have on numerous occasion grumbled against God and told myself that God probably doesn't exist. But God certainly exists, and he does hear my prayers. But I really don't know why he is not answering them. I wish he would tell me why.
Ultimately, I shall have to content with my plight. There are many people who have it worse than I do. I know of several friends of mine in my discipleship group in church with greater difficulties in life. Yet, I have seen a serenity in the way they approach life. It is a serenity that can only come from God. In all their trials, they have remained steadfast in their faith in God, despite having been tested most assiduously. In my troubles and trials, I suppose it helps me identify with the difficulties of those around me and me sympathetic to those with difficulties. These people surpass me when it comes to faith in God.
Perhaps, God is trying to tell me not to be too attached to this imperfect world. My life here, along with all its troubles and ills is, temporary. It is easy for someone to get caught up with things of the world if experiences no trials or hardships in life. Ultimately, everyone on earth die, whether he be wise or fool, rich or poor, well-reputed or unknown, beautiful or ugly, esteemed or despised, intelligent or retarded, abled or disabled etc...But there is eternity which lies in the hereafter, where all infirmities would be cured, all tears would be wiped away. And while we remain here on earth, we shall bear patiently with our afflictions, and count our blessings.
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