Desperate Housewives Pilot Episode – The inner world of women

I watched the pilot episode of Desperate Housewives. I haven’t watched the show before as I didn’t think that I would find the show interesting. I thought, what could be so interesting about the affairs of housewives? I had a glimpse of the show once when it appeared on television back when Desperate Housewives was a popular sitcom on television, and I was quite repulsed about what I saw in that episode, which was nearing its end. It showed a man who chose to leave his mother for a woman, and him telling his mother that he never intends to come back to visit his mother again, before he left the mother’s house to be in a romantic relationship with the woman. And the female narrator of the show was trying to portray the man’s action in a positive light of being courageous to choose his wife (or girlfriend?) over his mother, because the mother had supposedly been a very bad person who deserved such treatment from her son. I suspect that the show had been following the theme of the archetypal difficult mother-in-law before that such that the audience who have been following the show would have come in support of the son’s decision. But from a passing-by viewer like me, the son’s action seemed rather reprehensible. And I had qualms about whether the show was one of those so-called western shows promulgating loose liberal moral values that my Church community warns about.

Recently though, I have encountered some references to the show on blogs that I read. The authors of those blogs are Christian, and they do acknowledge the elements of liberal values that are portrayed in the show. But they also talk about the educational aspect of the show, and about the value of the show in portraying the intricacies of human psychologies and relationships. I actually enjoyed watching the pilot episode of Desperate Housewives. The characters, with their antics, and housewife schemes and politics, was an interesting watch. And I think it gives me a better picture of the concerns that affects women and the perspectives they hold on various affairs in their daily lives, although it would be good if I confer with female friends to hear their opinions regarding the portrayal of women in the show. From what I gather from the show, women have a lot more inner subtle thoughts in their dealing with people and issues than men, and they tend to take a more passive aggressive approach in dealing with relationships and problems rather than openly voicing out their sentiments and seeking a direct resolution.

For example, there is this character named Susan, played by Teri Hatcher, who is a divorced mother looking for love. She encountered this guy who works as a plumber at a funeral, and became interested in him. There is this other divorced woman in the neighbourhood who was competing with her. She is portrayed as the “predator of eligible bachelors” in the show, and has seduced pretty much all the men she previously encountered, including a church minister! Susan went over to the guy’s house one day, only to see that the other woman had got there first. In a presumptuous bid to get the man to come over to her place, she made the excuse that she had a clog in her pipes in her house (with whatever innuendo that may have been), and that she thought the guy could help her out since he was a plumber. The guy agreed, and told her he would be over in a while, which got her panicking because she had made those remarks in haste, and there was no actual plumbing problems. She immediately ran back to her house, and with her daughter from her previous marriage, began frenetically stuffing down things into the kitchen sink to clog it up.

Then there is this other character named Lynette, a former business woman turned stay-at-home mum of three children. She felt embarrassed when she encountered a former colleague at a supermarket. When the colleague asked her how she finds being a stay-at-home mother, she masked her true sentiments with a big smile on her face and her response that “it is the best job I ever had”.

Another of the desperate housewives is Bree. Her husband had revealed that he wanted to divorce her. While emotionally distraught, she stuck to her stoic demeanor to avoid betraying her emotions. She tried to kill her husband by adding onions to her husband’s salad dish, knowing that he is allergic to it.

The final character of the desperate housewives clique is Gabrielle, played by Eva Longoria, an ex-model whose unhappy marriage has had her beginning an affair with her 17-year-old gardener. Her husband wanted to fire the gardener because the lawn outside the house had not been mowed and he felt that the gardener had been lazy in not finishing his task of mowing the lawn. The real reason is that the gardener had been busy making love with his wife, Gabrielle every time he is at the house (which ought to get him fired as well!). Gabrielle saved the gardener from getting fired by telling her husband that he was having a wrong assessment of the height of the lawn as it was evening and that he could not see well as a result. When they were at a party where her husband was to make a business deal, she bribed the person serving alcohol, telling him to ensure her husband had a drink in hand throughout the entire evening. While her husband was distracted with the business dealing and inebriated by the booze, she went all the way back home to get out the lawn mower and mow the lawn herself, before going back to the party. The next morning, when her husband got up and went out of the house, and found the lawn perfectly mown, he appeared bemused, but went along his way to work probably in the belief that he had it wrong about the gardener. Gabrielle is shown looking atop from the balcony as her husband leaves for work with a repose demeanor to her, probably feeling satisfied at having managed and kept the crisis under tabs.

I like watching sitcom dramas like this because it gives me a way to understand how people view things and allow me to have an insider picture to the reasons why people behave in particular manners. I am not always able to understand people’s actions or infer the rationale behind their actions from observation alone. And I don’t want to be either too presumptuous or prejudicial with my inferences. But I fear being oblivious to people’s intentions as well, especially if they are bad ones, and to fall into their traps, or to treat people as friends when they may not share the same sentiment about me. What I like about Desperate Housewives is that it shows and explains the underlying rationale for why these women act the way they do, which may otherwise appear befuddling to an outside observer. I do notice some behaviors from girls in my life that puzzles me, and which causes me to speculate to no ends about why they behave in such manners. And I have encountered girls who use passive aggressive tactics against me. I hope I am intelligent enough to decipher their actions. For example, there was this girl whom I worked with for a company law group assignment who erased substantial portions of my part in a group assignment in order to meet the word count before submitting it to the professor for marking, much to my detriment, and she continues putting on a cordial expression when interacting with me, as if everything is amicable. I suppose I am very much averse towards confrontation, and it doesn’t help that I am sometimes less eloquent than these people in law school. But I think that I could help myself better by calling out their unethical actions and bringing a complaint against them to relevant authorities. One thing I have also learnt is that I could very much benefit by consulting female friends to seek advice about dealing with female people. I suppose it takes one to know one, and I mean that in a good way. I suppose I could do better with more close female friends whom I can consult. But there are some things in life where I suspect that like one of those guy characters in the Desperate Housewife show, I will be oblivious to some of the ways and schemes of a woman.

Your first girlfriend

While at the library, I came across a book titled Your First Girlfriend by Bridget Heos which is a juvenile nonfiction written for guys in their middle school years featuring relationship advice for their first girlfriend. I am way past middle school years, but I haven’t had a girlfriend before, so I figured that it might perhaps provide a helpful tip or two.

It does seem to provide some interesting advice. One advice caution a guy to not be too enthusiastic in the way he approaches girl he likes and thereby give himself away. The book says something about not to comment on the girl’s facebook post too often and thereby make it seem that you like her. Another interesting comment from the book was regarding the popular boy-girl relationship question – “Why do girls like jerks?” According to the book, girls like those guys for their confidence, and not so much for their bad behavior, but that after a while, these bad behavior becomes uncool, and girls gradually fall out with these guys. So it’s advice is to be a good guy, but to be confident as well, and that after a while, the girl will see that you are kind, considerate, and caring, and come to like you after all.

Seem like sound relationship advice to me. I am always interested to know about female perspectives when it comes to a relationship, but I don’t really have any female friends in real life who I think I can talk about such issues openly. But I figure that there are probably a lot of information out there in the internet, and all I need to do is to go out there and look for it in order to know. And there are also such things as online dating sites where it might be a more comfortable setting to ask girls about such things.

So indeed, I have many questions about relationships that I don’t know where to start. We can start with the basic questions such as “What makes a girl like a guy? How should a guy approach a girl that he likes? How can a guy tell whether a girl likes him? Etc” From my understanding, girls do not like to be approached too directly regarding such issues. They would be taken aback if a guy were to confess to them straight in the face that he likes her. There are more gradual way of doing things, such as finding out whether the girl likes you first, or hinting that you have interest in the girl and observing whether she reciprocates. Is it a wild goose-chase to go after a girl who expresses no interest for you? I am kind of in a dilemma regarding this question. For one, I think that it can seem like a little too headstrong approach to take if one is too persistent, and it might be the case that a girl may not like a guy for whatever reason, and he will just be futile in his efforts. However, I have heard a female law professor commenting how she fell in love with the guy who became her husband after he pursued her, and according to her, people find themselves liking the person who like them first. I guess that with any other thing, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I am not sure about guys in general, but I have read a guy’s response on his approach to finding the right girl for himself. ‘It’s easy’, he says, ‘she just needs to be 1)someone he finds attractive, 2) can hold a decent conversation with, and 3) share about the same religious values and practices as him, and then he would be willing to pledge his entire loyalty to that girl for his lifetime. A guy probably simplifies things more easily than a girl I think.

Genesis 3:16 – A description of female psychology?

I decided to give the bible a reread today, starting with the book of Genesis. Usually, I would simply read through the new testament, or favourite old testament books like Proverbs, Job, and Ecclesiastes  for my daily quiet time. My way of doing quiet time is to read through the bible so as to be reminded of Christian values that I should live by. But I have obtained some ideas from reading blogs that I can study a certain passage of the bible more in detail for my daily quiet time, and write out my thoughts and ideas on the passage on my blog. It seems like a good way to internalize what I am reading, and to make my reading of the bible a more active one, rather than a passive one, and to help me articulate simmering thoughts that I might have on my mind whenever I read the bible. And it would also be a way for me to engage my friends who read my blog and bring them in for my bible study quiet time as well. Hopefully I can write something enlightening or thought-provoking, and I could certainly benefit from comments from people as well.

One thing that interested me that I thought I should study about while I was going through the book of Genesis today was the part of the fall of man in chapter 3 in which God pronounced judgment on the various characters involved.  I have always found the part to which God pronounce judgment on the woman quite curious. In Genesis 3:16, God said to the woman, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

When God pronounced this judgment, did he address this specifically to Eve alone, or is it a judgment that applies to the entire female gender? A literal reading would suggest that it was specific to Eve. From my understanding, childbirth is quite a painful experience for women. And so, this seems to imply that the judgment is for the entire female gender. But does this mean that the subsequent sentence about the woman’s desire being for her husband, and her husband ruling over her would necessitate such an extensive application to all members of the human race as well?   

Truth is, the reason this verse interest me is that it seems to make a general description of female psychology. I have read two commentaries on the verse which seems to make an explication of general female psychology.  Matthew Henry’s commentary writes “She is here put into a state of sorrow, one particular of which only is specified, that in bringing forth children; but it includes all those impressions of grief and fear which the mind of that tender sex is most apt to receive, and all the common calamities which they are liable to.” Ray Stedman says in a sermon of his “Her desires run after her husband. This is not primarily a reference to passion but to the hunger for approval. It is speaking of the fact that a woman finds her fullest sense of satisfaction in gaining her husband's approval. No other person can approach his approval in its significance to her. There can be no substitute for it. Others can be pleased and happy with her, but if he is not, she is distressed. He can be happy with her, and she doesn't care a fig what others think about her. Her desire thus finds its fulfillment in her husband -- she longs to be important to him.” I can’t begin to describe how uneasy I feel when I hear a male sermon speaker asserting his understanding of female psychology to a congregation that has female members in it. Who is he to profess to know what women want?

But isn’t desire for member of the opposite gender an innate characteristic of a person? After all, mutual attraction between opposite gender is required for the procreative interest of all species of the animal kingdom. So what then did God add to the equation when he pronounces that the woman’s desire will be for her husband? Wasn’t it already there?

Irvin A.Busenitz elaborates on the various views of what ‘desire’ means in his article “Woman’s Desire for Man: Genesis 3:16 Reconsidered”. “One prominent interpretation suggests that, as a punishment for the Fall, a woman's desire will be subject to her husband's."Her desire, whatever it may be, will not be her own. She cannot do what she wishes, for her husband rules over her like a despot and whatever she wishes is subject to his will. Another viewpoint contends that the woman will have an immense longing, yearning, and psychological dependence. More recently a third view has surfaced. It suggests that, based on the usage of "desire" in Gen 4:7, the woman will desire to dominate the relationship with her husband. The woman's desire is to control her husband (to usurp his divinely appointed headship), and he must master her, if he can.”

Irvin argues for the position that “The "desire factor" is not a part of the judgment but an explanation of

conditions and relationships as they will exist after the Fall. Even though the intimacy between the first man and his wife was abrogated, even though the unity with man would bring woman to the threshold

of death itself in the process of childbirth, yet woman would still possess a strong desire to be with

man. The broken intimacy and the pain in childbearing would not be allowed to nullify the yearning of

woman for man and the fulfillment of God's command to populate the earth or to alter the divine order of the headship of man.”

Ray Stedman’s view in his sermon I mentioned above seems to corroborate with the exegesis provided by Irvin, and he asserts that ‘this desire is not in itself a consequence of sin. This relationship of woman to man was present before the Fall as well.”

Irvin disputes the argument that desire here is about the woman’s desire to control her husband. “Woman may desire to dominate or rule over man, but it is not a part of the punishment pronounced up

on woman; it is just the essence, character, and result of all sin against God. Self-exaltation and pride

always result in the desire to dominate and rule. Every person to some extent desires to dominate and rule over others--not just woman over man.”

On the contrary, Ray Stedman asserts that this desire of a woman to control her husband is also a result of the judgment, but he makes this argument from the part of God’s judgment about the husband ruling over the woman - “It is the latter phrase of the sentence that marks the result of the Fall, "he shall rule over you." If, in imagination, we can put ourselves back with Adam and Eve before the Fall, in that blissful scene in the Garden of Eden, then we can see that the relationship of the woman to the man consisted of a natural desire to follow. She came out of man and was made for him, to be his helper and to work toward his goals. It was a natural yielding to which she opposed no resistance, but found herself delighting in the experience of following the man. But now as a result of the Fall, a perverse element enters into this. A struggle occurs, a tension ensues, in which the woman is torn between the natural God-given desire to yield to her husband, and at the same time, the awakened desire to exert her will against his, a perverse urge to rivalry or domination. This is what creates tension in women, as a result of the Fall.” In my opinion, I think it quite a stretch to infer this desire of the woman from the phrase “he will rule over you.”

As a roundup to this discussion on female psychology, I would say that I think that female psychology is as diverse and as complex as there are male psychologies. There are guys who like playing the submissive role in a relationship and are okay with girls taking a more dominant role and taking charge. I am sure there would be girls of such disposition suited for them. I have read that there are cultures with a matriarch hierarchy to marriage. In Japan and Korea, there is a tradition for the woman to handle the finance of the household. And I can vaguely recall watching a Chinese drama on Channel 8 where one of the characters mention a Chinese idiom about how a henpecked husband makes a good business person. I think contemporary societal culture is fine with different power relationships between genders. We have female bosses and leaders in society. I think women are capable people.

On another note, I get the understanding from reading such passages in the bible that Christianity supports the notion of a gender hierarchy in certain aspects of societal life, like in marriage or in church roles. I wonder what the girls in my church or in my varsity Christian fellowship think about this notion of gender hierarchy that seems to be the mainstream position of the church throughout history. I wouldn’t be surprised if they would argue for more egalitarian interpretation of texts in the bible regarding relationship between the genders.

Varsity Christian Fellowship Sharing Session

We had a session of sharing for Varsity Christian Fellowship today. I will write about my thoughts about some of the things shared during the session. A girl shared about a social conundrum that I can identify with. She talked about her encounter with an acquaintance she knew while on her way to the bus stop. While she thought it was a pleasant encounter to meet a person she had not seen for quite some time, she was worried about whether she would have enough topics for conversation, or whether the conversation would come to an awkward standstill for lack of knowledge of what to speak. Then, when she and the guy boarded the bus, she was concerned about whether she should take the time during the trip to speak to this acquaintance of hers, or whether she should spend the time reviewing stuff in her studies. She thought it would be quite unfriendly of her if she just decide to sit at another place in the bus and not talk to this acquaintance, even if she could explain that she wanted to catch up on her studies.

I found it interesting to hear from another person about a social dilemma that I commonly face. It is the fear of pulling off a bad social impression on another person. And for me, I am quite self-conscious about my poor social skills and ability to perform well in a social situation. If I meet an acquaintance on my way, I would have the dilemma of whether to talk to the person or to wait and let the person go ahead of me. There is one, the fear that I would not have any topics to converse with the person, and neither would that person have any topics to converse with me, which would lead to an awkward silence. And then there is the fear that I would appear antisocial or unfriendly if I just avoid the person. And I have experienced the bad results in either decision, such that I find people treating me coolly perhaps because I left a bad social impression on them. But it is nice to hear that there are other people who face such a dilemma in their social encounters as well. I think from hearing about the fears and concerns that people face in their social experience, we can learn to be more understanding of one another and not be presumptuous of a person’s character based on first impression.

A guy shared about his disappointment with not being selected for a programme that preps him up on track for being in the NUS mooting team for the prestigious Jessup Cup. He is a very good mooter and had won many competitions that he participated in, and he was somewhat miffed at the teacher-in-charge for not selecting him on reasons he felt unjustified. But he said it got him to reflect on how he consider the meaning of success and failure to his life.

I haven’t had much success in life lately. Law school is tough on me. But I always have the belief that success and failure belongs in the hands of God, and God exalts as well as humbles. I do cherish the hope that God has a bright future ahead in store for me.

I shared about what was going on in my discipleship group at church at the moment. Right now, my discipleship group is undergoing some sort of leadership crisis because our discipleship group leader wants to relinquish his responsibilities at church so that he can go find a girlfriend by church hopping. He figured that he is nearing the age for marriage and has been finding it difficult to find a girlfriend at where he works and in the church. Another discipleship group member wasn’t too impressed and commented that my discipleship group leader should show his trust in God to provide a life partner by staying in church and waiting on God to provide his significant other. In his opinion, if God wills for someone to be your life partner, it will happen without your having to strive to make an effort to find that significant other. And to take any active action on one’s part to find a relationship partner shows that one does not trust God enough.

I certainly found this discipleship group member’s views very judgmental. And I don’t think his views are theologically substantiable. Nevertheless, I do like the idea that I can trust God, do nothing and find a girlfriend, instead of worrying about whether I should be doing something before I end up single in life and regret my lack of initiative.