Memorial service for my grandmother

I went to Malaysia on Sunday yesterday with my family (my parents and my younger brother). We were there to go for the memorial service of my deceased maternal grandmother who had passed away in 2001. We went to the cemetery together with my maternal relatives. My maternal grandfather was there too. For the memorial, we sang the songs “shi shang zhi you mama hao”, “Mother of Mine” by Neil Reid, “What a friend we have in Jesus”, and “Amazing Grace”. The first two songs were dedicated to my deceased grandmother, and the last two were Christian songs. I believe all of us there were familiar with all of the songs except Mother of Mine, which was selected by an aunt of mine to be sung at the memorial service, but we tried singing along anyway based on the probably off-key rendition song led by that aunt of mine. No one would have ever guessed that the song would have sounded the way it does in the actual version on youtube after having heard my aunt’s rendition. We also said our individual prayers thanking God for the life of my grandmother. My grandfather prayed that my grandmother will bless all of her grandchildren in their studies and careers, and told her that we all love her very much. I don’t think that prayers directed to a deceased is appropriate according to Christian customs, but I can understand the emotional aspect of wishing to communicate to a departed loved one. Moreover, my maternal grandfather wasn’t a Christian most of his life, but conformed to the deathbed wish of my grandmother that he would become one so that he could be in heaven in the afterlife with her. He now goes to the same church as my family, but I don’t think he ever quite adopts the belief-system or practices (like praying) associated with the religion. In my opinion, he seems somewhat indifferent to religious matters. As someone who is more familiar with the Christian religion due to my upbringing, I have asked my grandfather whether he prays to God. He was taciturn about talking about such things, and I presume that it is most likely the case he does not.

Anyway, we went to celebrate my grandfather’s birthday at a Chinese restaurant later on that day. My grandfather is in his 80’s. The food was good, and it was fairly pleasant for me to be able to catch up with some of my relatives about their lives as we have not met in quite a long while. 

Reflections about suffering

Where is God when it hurts? I still ask myself this question quite often, especially in light of the chronic daily tension headaches that I experience. I wonder why God would not heal me of this tension headache. I believe I must have prayed at least a thousand times asking God to heal me of this illness. So why hasn’t God healed me yet of this tension headache?

I can’t help but find my faith in God challenged through this ordeal and hardship that I have found in my life. Does God exists at all? I tell myself this sometimes. And there are indeed times when I say to myself that God indeed does not exist. If he does, then why wouldn’t he do something about my plight?

I suppose if I should be critical of myself, I should have questioned the existence of God as critically as I am now even before I suffered these tension headaches. After all, suffering amongst humankind is pretty common. There are the periodical news report of some poor souls undergoing some form of hardship or another. I remember reading about a kid who died after he was kicked in the neck during a taekwondo sparring session. Then there was the case of a newly wedded couple where one of them fell down and died on his wedding day. The spouse committed suicide a few years later. Recently in the news, there was a report of a girl who had to have her legs amputated due to cancer, the news coming to her on the day when she got into the netball team of the Singapore Sports School. She succumbed to cancer later, even though she had underwent an amputation of her legs. I believe that she was Christian. The mother was quoted as saying that she is somewhat relieved that her daughter does not have to go through any more pain, and is in heaven with God.

I mustn’t be too surprised over my own experience. It is perhaps much more common than what I am aware of. At least, if I should consider my society as a whole, instead of just the communities which I interact with on a daily basis. And even within those communities which I am part of, I wouldn’t be too surprised that the respective individuals themselves face one sort of ordeal or another, ordeals that are hidden from the surface that can be observed by the eyes. But it can honestly seem like I am the only undergoing such undue hardship when everyone else seems pretty happy around me.

I would like to think that God exist, and he is merely testing me, or making me undergo trials through which I would become a better person. There is this underlying belief I had even before I experience this chronic tension headache, that suffering is God’s way of imparting divine wisdom. When I see my plight from such an angle, it makes me question what are the lessons or wisdom that God is trying to teach me from this suffering. Perhaps I have become more empathetic to the sufferings of those around me, and of other people in the world. I wonder whether I have been less than empathetic to the plights of others before the start of my own suffering. It wasn’t like I didn’t try to be empathetic, but I may not have been so intuitively pricked in my consciousness of such suffering. I believe I was a little more simplistic in the way I believe that God would be sufficient for those in suffering, without being aware that suffering can be a struggle even with that fact. It is not unheard of for me to hear people say in church that they are not afraid of suffering because they believe that God would sustain them through it. I too might have said to myself that if I ever were in similar suffering, I would not be perturbed, but maintain an easy serenity to myself because God would be with me. And that belief might have quite subconsciously made me less than empathetic to the possible emotional turmoil that those in suffering undergo. I might have told at least one or two of such people I know who lament about God through their suffering alot that they should count God’s blessings, rather than focus on their misfortune. On hindsight, I guess that might have been insensitive, even as it is well-intentioned.

I think I might be unfairly caricaturizing my past self here, because I remember that I did try my best to be empathetic to those in suffering, but such belief-system mentioned above might have been in mind, somewhere in the subconscious perhaps. Perhaps suffering brings such thoughts that lie in the subconscious to the fore, and make us realize their folly, or uncaring nature. Perhaps one such thought could be that when we read of someone else in suffering, even as we express pity, we might have the subconscious belief that such plight only happens to others and not to ourselves. Perhaps when we suffer, even if just a little, and not as much as those we had initially read about, we might come to realize that we are actually as susceptible to such misfortunes as they are.

That said, I still find myself angst at God. I ask God why he doesn’t just tell me what he wants me to know if indeed my suffering is a trial to make me a better person. And I can’t help but wonder whether this idea of suffering being a means by which God imparts wisdom is a vanity in itself. There are people who experience such suffering of the most extreme sort, such that it robs them of the ability of conducting a basic decent life. What comes to my mind was this video I saw on youtube of a boy who experience something called the butterfly syndrome. His skin would tear and bleed at the gentle rub of its surface. My heart certainly grieved for him when I saw the documentary of his daily routine. Living through every single day is nothing short of an arduous challenge for him. And I doubt he would ever be cured of it. I doubt he can ever look upon his ordeal, and tell himself that it is simply a way for God to teach him wisdom, after which he would be healed. And I guess I can’t help but also feel that even if it were the case that God intends to teach the boy wisdom through suffering, he is being quite cruel.

So I find myself flip-flopping in my faith at times as I reflect upon suffering. They flip flop according to the prevailing thought that may be in my head at the moment. There are times when I find myself pretty assured that the good Lord is simply giving me a temporary trial to teach me wisdom. And there are times when I feel quite the reverse, that God is malevolent, uncaring, or simply non-existent because I find it hard to reconcile the existence of suffering with that of a good God. Moreover, this chronic daily tension headache has been with me for a long time now, about 3 years.  And for the most part, I find myself just being unsure of which is the truth. It is not that I am comfortable with agnosticism, but I find myself more uncomfortable with professing complete certainty of either the truth of Christianity, or of atheism. I still go to church, and I still pray, though not as regularly as I used to, and not as fervent and convicted in them as I may have used to be. I guess I find it hard to put a label on myself at the moment regarding my religious beliefs. It is a little of all three – Christianity, atheism, and agnosticism. Quite a change from the exclusive Christian label that I would think of myself in the past.

Updates about my life

I am feeling much better and calmer these days compared to when I first started suffering my anxiety attacks along with the tension headache. I guess the medication does help, and I shall stick to it for the time being. That said, it really isn’t an easy question for me to answer on how I should go about dealing with my tension headache problem. It still exists, albeit in ameliorated form. I wonder if I am indeed well enough to go back to school this coming semester. Every once in a while, I get this tingling or prickling sensation within my head. I am hoping that this is sign of nerve functions coming back again in the head, and I think it is because my tension headache seems to be less now as compared to before.

I still wonder about the exact nature of my tension headache. Until now, I don’t really know what causes this strange pressure sensation within my head. It is like some nerves or muscles within the head are constipated or something. There is this hard sensation within my head, and it feels like it is exerting pressure within the regions of the brain. It used to feel much worse, such that the constricting feeling seems to permeate within the brain as well. Now the sensation feels more like a pressure sensation from the outer areas of the head exerting inwards, which is still uncomfortable, but much more tolerable.

Rumination about my tension headache problem and on suffering

My doctor says that I should avoid thinking about my tension headache, and I concur with that statement to a large extent. Yet, I believe that I need some space to ruminate about the significance of this sensation so that I might garner some perspective to this uncomfortable condition that has been affecting me for a long time now. I just wish for some perspective onto the matter, in the hope that it shall give me some measure of reprief from this malady, which has caused no shortage of trouble to my life.

The condition, which has been called a tension headache by professionals in the medical field, remains a rather enigmatic character, despite my having its acquaintance for about slightly more than one and half year now. It feels like a constriction of nerves, veins, or muscles, within the head. Sometimes it feels like the pressure is from the outer layers of the head compressing inwards, and at other times, like a pressure originating from within the recesses of the brain exerting outwards. It hasn't been too severe in recent months, but nonetheless, discomforting. Just this afternoon, it felt like a rather strong pressure concentrated atop my head, which was moderately painful. The sensation now feels like it has dissipated, and is stretching along a strip running middle across the vertical direction of my head. The outermost muscle within the head feels rather taut, and if I shall move my neck, I can feel the stretch exerted by the tautness within the head. It feels like the muscles within the head are so strained all the time, as if they had just completed a workout at the gym and are sore from the lactic acid build-up. From time to time, I get this strange muscle spasm sensation in the head, which feels like a wave of tingling sensation coursing through the head muscle.

This condition remains as mysterious to me as it ever was when it first began. I had gone for an MRI brain scan a few months after this sensation started, but the results revealed no abnormalities. The measures that I have resorted to so far includes going for massages, trying out meditation, and consuming the anti-depressant Prozac. Painkillers don’t work, and furthermore, are not safe for consumption over a long-term as they can cause liver failure. I am hoping that that there is some natural way that the body can heal itself.

This condition has made me think quite a lot about the subject of suffering. I don’t think I can ever exempt myself from being troubled from personal pain or suffering. The tenets of Buddhism with its notion of the denial of the self in order to renounce suffering strikes me as not relating to the reality of human physical existence. I think that people should take steps in preventing the occurrence of suffering, either to themselves or to others

Yet, I do think that it is good for one to learn how to cope with various problems or suffering in as best a manner as possible. It is not practically possible to totally take all sort of precautions to prevent suffering to oneself. Despite one’s best efforts, one can still encounter the woes of uncontrollable forces that has repercussions on one’ quality of life. There are indeed many forms of suffering that occurs to various people without any fault that can be ascribed to them for their afflictions.

It would be good to be able to put things in perspective, and not let one’s perception of one’s suffering be more than what it actually is. I don’t discount the possibility that a person’s suffering can still indeed be very grave, and that ‘putting things in perspective’ might not necessary be helpful because such suffering may indeed be very troubling if you indeed appraise it for what it is. If it is possible to be alleviated, I think steps should be made to alleviate it. But if there truly isn’t, then it may be necessary for the sufferer to try to cope despite his suffering as best as possible. I won’t say that this is easy. Sometimes, it might be good to put away even the attempt to try to understand or appraise the suffering, and simply take it as it is and live on, because any attempts to understand it is futile. The presence of pain, in my opinion, is like the existence of material objects, an objective fact. It might be artificial to try to impute a rationale for it, as much as it would be artificial to try to impute the rationale of the existence of objective matters. Thus, I think that such questions such as “Why am I suffering?” or “What can I hope to gain from suffering?” can be somewhat quite artificial if one presuppose that necessarily an answer.

I am hoping to recover from this condition, and will try to take as best a measure as possible to facilitate my recovery from it. But I figure that I must learn to cope with it, even if this condition does not go away. I must ‘put some perspective’ about this problem in my life and not let it be more than what it actually is.

Visiting other church services

I attended a different church last week, and a different church service at my church today. Last week, I went to a Presbyterian church because a friend invited me over to witness her baptism. Today, I attended the Anglican service at my church which is held in the morning, just before the Lutheran service. I have recently been thinking of exploring different churches and services to interact with young adults my age in the Christian community. A church mate of mine had also been doing that, because he is intending on settling down and wishes to find a Christian soulmate. I don’t feel such pressure just yet to get a girlfriend, but I would like to interact with more girls from the Christian community.

The most conspicuous observation regarding the difference between the Presbyterian service and the Anglican service from the Lutheran service that I regularly attend, is the liturgy. The Lutherans do sing more hymnal kinds of songs and have more processional creeds that they recite during service. Another noticeable difference, though I am not sure whether this is necessarily due to the denomination, is that at the Anglican service, the wafer thin bread is supposed to be dipped into a grail filled with wine, whereas in the Lutheran service, the  wine is poured into communion cups.

I had actually attended the youth service for the Anglican service instead of the main service two weeks earlier. I felt quite out of place there since the people who attend their youth service are mainly teenagers in their secondary school years. It was nonetheless, a pleasant experience, and an eye-opener to the different communities of Christian that worship on Sunday at the same church as me whom I have never interacted with. Listening to the testimony shared by one girl regarding her academic struggles with her first year of junior college reminds me of my own junior college years. Although I did relatively well academically in my junior college years, I can identify with the girl’s academic struggle given that I am now struggling academically myself at law school. I asked the girl after service what subjects she took at junior college. She said that she was in the science stream and took subjects like physics, chemistry, mathematics, and economics. Those were the subjects I had taken as well when I was in junior college, and I did well in them. I asked her whether she had considered that she might be more suited towards the humanities instead of the sciences. She replied that she don’t think it would be convenient for her to change her subjects given that she has already been taking those subjects for a year at junior college. It is the sentiments I have regarding my law studies as well. I don’t think it is convenient to change course given that I have already undergone two years of legal education. During her testimony, she was talking about how she managed to just pass her subjects for the first year and promote to the following year when she had been flunking those subjects throughout the year, and she believes that this is a sign of God’s graciousness to her. As for me, I have encountered too many instances of unanswered prayers that I am really skeptical that there is such a thing as God’s will for me in life, or that he is concerned with any details regarding how my life goes.

On gifts and talents in life

Sometimes, when I meet up with a friend of mine, we would share about various people that we know and interesting things about them. These includes the likes of those friends we have on facebook who have a flair for art, music, or even cosplaying. I have always wondered though what gifts or talents I have in life. There is the usual rhetoric that is usually passed around in my Christian community that everybody is good at something. So I wonder what is my gift or talent in life.

For one, I really can’t draw for nuts. It has been this way since I was a kid. I remember having an arts teacher in primary school who wasn’t very pleased with me for constantly not handing in arts homework. And I was usually at a loss on what to draw or how to draw it, such that I would ask a more artistically-inclined classmate of mine to let me copy his artwork.

I think I might a little more aptitude where it comes to music. I sang in the choir when I was in junior college. I used to love singing back then, though I can’t say that my voice is of any particular outstanding quality. I joined the preliminary audition round for the Singapore Idol for season 3, which is not televised, and was promptly told that I was not selected soon after. Truth be told, I wonder why I even have the thought of wanting to join Singapore Idol considering that I am adverse towards being in the limelight, and would find it uncomfortable to be on national television where I can only suspect that past acquaintances of mine would be remarking under their breath, “that silly guy”, if they see me on Singapore Idol. I suppose I would be okay if I achieve publicity in the role of being some public intellectual or important figure in society, but I for myself, really don’t think I would sit too comfortably with the idea of being an entertainer or celebrity, which doesn’t fit the bill of what I would like to do in life. It seems like I can play the piano reasonably well, though at the moment, I can only play piano scores, and not by ear. I haven’t been playing the piano for a long time, but I think I might want to try getting back into the touching those piano keys again.

It is recently that I have become more interested in the question of how I can make a living in life, and earn enough to support a family and achieve a desired, satisfactory, lifestyle. I am hoping that I have what it takes to do law. I have also been thinking about whether there are other things that I can do in life for a living. At the moment, I really do like the idea of becoming a lawyer, and excelling in the field.

All Saints Day 2013 - Visit to Mandai Columbarium

I visited the Mandai crematorium and columbarium today with my parents on this all saints day to pay respect to my departed paternal grandfather. I was not aware that there was this particular custom in Christian tradition until today. Wikipedia has an informative description of the custom, which is historically catholic, but has derived a protestant significance of honoring the dead based on an understanding of saints as referring to all Christians.

There are shelves of columbarium niches where they are situated, and by going around and looking at individual niche, you do encounter the columbarium of some famous people who occupied vocations of great stature while they were living. One such person is the Honourable Justice Lai Kew Chai, whose niche is situated just opposite to that of my grandfather, Tee Chuan Hock. One similarity that Justice Lai shares with my grandfather is that there originated in the same birthplace of Perak, Malaysia. I doubt they knew each other during their childhood, and each took their respective paths in life. My father joked that the two would have much to talk about given that they are now in the same place.

My grandfather didn’t make a name for himself during his earthly stint. He just led life in a rather unassuming manner, without any yearning or strife for earthly glories whatsoever. From what has been described to me by my father, my grandfather was someone who was not too fond of working, and delegated much of the responsibility for earning the household income to my grandmother. And in the jobs that he did, which were pretty much manual menial labor like being a rubber tapper, or selling fruits and juices on the streets, he had a poor stamina and took leave on many occasions. If there was anything that he would have enjoyed working in though, it would have been to be an entertainer. I heard from my Dad how my grandfather made his way by himself to a distant location in Malaysia to film in a little cameo role in the movie Anna and the King which starred Jodie Foster and Chow Yun-Fat, despite the meager stipend that the role brought. My grandfather was also the avid karaoke aficionado, and enjoyed the occasional bout of Chinese/Hokkien song session. Despite not having formal education past primary 3 due to family financial difficulties, he had a large appetite for knowledge of current affairs, and had the literacy that enabled him to read through the Chinese newspapers which he dutifully did so every afternoon. He was also a naturally sociable person, a contrast to my more introverted grandmother, and made friends easily with peers around the neighborhood.

Of qualities, my grandfather has a gentle, congenial disposition, and never once had I seen him kick up a fuss or throw a tantrum. My Dad says that he spoke Hokkien in the manner of a consummate gentlemen, that eschewed all the vulgarities and uncouthness that have come to be associated with the language from the way it is spoken by the underclass Chinese Singaporean population. He had a cool, easy charm to himself, and maintained a clear head under tenuous circumstances. According to my Dad, while they were still living in the village in Malaysia, there was an incident where two rival bidders for a contract feuded with each other, one accusing the other of cheating in the close-bid auction by bribing the auctioneer. My grandfather simply mediated the matter by asking both parties to disclose their bid price, which revealed that the contract went to the party that had bidded the higher sum. Common sense prevailed, and the feud was dissolved.

Of vices he had, there were notably two– gambling, and smoking. I think he manage to give gambling up, but he was a compulsive smoker till the end, which is probably the cause of his stroke and death at the age of 63 in 2001. He was scheduled for a heart-bypass surgery to be made a few week from that date, but the fatal stroke hit him a little too early. I suppose if there is any comfort, it is that he was baptized three days earlier at church.

With that, I end my account of a snapshot of the life of my grandfather. I wish all a meaningful all-saints day.