Application of leave

I have applied to take leave of absence from this semester after much deliberation. I suppose I will do the modules on the semester next year.

I have been finding it difficult to cope for this semester. I haven’t been able to grasp my materials, and I find that my memory has been quite bad. I have never felt so intimidated about school before. It is the demoralizing feeling of sitting in class or lecture, and just hoping that you would never be called because you just can’t answer the question.

I am not sure whether it is due to something with the tension headache, or a genuine ineptitude with law. I have tried to dismiss it as being simply psychological, and in part, I am not sure whether the challenge lies with overcoming the obsessive thoughts that I have about the condition (such as imagining all sort of possible maladies that can be associated with such a sensation, and spending considerable time searching online the internet for possible cures to it). I do seem to worry quite a lot in life about health-related conditions, and the psychology community has a name for such obsession – hypochondria. I once worried that I had sustained mercury poisoning when I broke a mercury thermometer in the O’level physics practical assessment, that I pestered my dad to take me to the doctor to have me checked for mercury poisoning. The results came back normal. It seems that those incessant worries that my experiencing of vertigoes as being due to mercury poisoning revealed themselves to be the mischief of my psychology. I made a conviction to myself that that shall be the end of my health related worrying.

We can see quite evidently today, that I haven’t been able to stick to this resolution. And I wouldn’t be surprise that the chief enemy lies with the misguided belief that I am in a state of cognitive abnormality because of the tension headache. No evidence so far, from what I have seen on the internet, suggest that a tension headache affects mental performance.

Still, the experience seems real to be a challenge for me. And the anguish feels particularly acute, when I am sitting in a class, and finding myself utterly loss with the content being discussed in class. I don’t register what I read, and I don’t make the connections.

So with my taking leave of absence, it seems like I will buck the education age norms of my cohort. I mean, you could have been behind your age group if you came from the polytechnics, or if you took the normal academic route to university. And I, like most of the rest, am the run-of-the-mill, express stream student who took the junior college route to university. But now, I will graduate a semester later than my batch, which, I suppose, isn’t too bad. Probably wouldn’t make much of a difference a few years down the working world, if ever, I decide to pursue a career in law. It would probably be lonely not to graduate with my cohort. But then again, I am familiar with the feeling of being alone, and as far as I could recall, I didn’t attend my primary school or secondary school graduation ceremonies for one reason or another.

I suppose I can be flexible about my university study schedule. The perks of being a wallflower at school are that no one will really notice your presence, or absence. I am not sure whether it would be embarrassing to be a semester behind. But what matters of it? 5 years from now, what significance would this make? I can recall my times back at St Andrew’s Junior College, where my peers and I had all these conceptions of academic rivalry and status bragging rights for who do better in the exams. But that is all pass. No one remembers. No one cares.

I had been hesitant on applying for leave for the semester, and had told the vice dean for an extension of time to allow me to decide by the end of the recess week. I just didn’t know whether it is a prudent decision to be making. The deadline has drawn to a close, and I have given my answer. Whether it be prudent or folly, only time will tell.