Quarter-Life Crisis

I think I identify with what David, one of my cell group mates, told me yesterday during cell group meet. He said that he felt like he was going through a 'Quarter-life crisis' where he just feel like life is quite directionless for him. I asked him, "Does Christianity help you to find meaning in life?". "Not really," he replied, "God doesn't seem to tell me what my life is for".

I am not sure what the purpose of my life is as well. I wished that my life purpose could have been characterized much more simply. I had the impression that a life of academia would be most suitable for before I came to law school.This is because I lack the intuition for building social relationships due to my having Aspergers' Syndrome, and I thought that a life of quiet solitude devoted to a life of intellectualism would be most ideal for me. However, I don't seem to have the aptitude for law studies. I did badly for my first year of law school. It's most unfortunate really, because this would deny me the avenue for living a life of academia. I had thought that a person of my character and disposition bore the resemblance to the archetype role of a professor. But it seems like I am denied to given such an esteemed role in life.

What is my life made out to be? Somehow, I feel that there is a possibility that a career in law isn't what I was cut out for. Had I chosen the wrong course for study for my university degree? If not, why then am I facing such struggle in my law studies? Well, what were the alternatives to an education in law anyway? If I had not managed to obtain a much coveted place at the law faculty at NUS, I would have ended up at SMU law school because my parents wanted me to do law. There wouldn't be any difference to the difficulty that I would face if I were to go to SMU instead. I am not sure whether I would find it more suitable for me if I had decided to study for an Arts and Social Science degree. For a moment, I had considered that option after being rejected from NUS law when I first applied to the school. I don't have a problem with writing per se; I only find it difficult to write down technical concepts in my own words, and law is very much that. If the course is not technical in nature, I wouldn't find as much a problem. But then again, perhaps a similar malady would have affected me had I been in the faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. Moreover, an arts and social science degree doesn't do much good for one's employment prospects.

I am not sure whether I would have made a good science or engineering student for university. For one, I didn't even consider doing a degree in science or in engineering after my A levels. I was a science student during my junior college days and studied physics, chemistry, mathematics and economics for my 4 H2 subjects. I even did module in H3 economics called game theory and competition. I wasn't too spectacular in my studies of the science subjects. I was rather inconsistent in my results despite putting in utmost effort into my studies. I could get an A for physics for the block test, and then flunk it with a D for the prelims. For chemistry, I hovered around the B range, managing to obtain an on-the-dot A for the prelims. I was also the usual B student with the occasional A for mathematics. My results for economics were rather volatile, but I didn't get an A for that subject during my schooling life at St Andrew's Junior college. Somehow, I managed to get As for Physics, Mathematics, Economics, and Project Work for the A level examination, a B for Chemistry, and a B for General Paper. It was a disappointing pass grade for my H3 Economics. Perhaps it might have been a grade inflation effect. Many of my schoolmates I knew who didn't do very well for the school-based examination similarly obtained a slate of As for the A level examination. I supposed if I had taken up engineering as a degree, I would be obtaining the same cycle of borderline inconsistent grades. I don't think that I would have been anymore spectacular in a studies in the sciences.

For some strange reason, I had an aversion towards studying for a degree in medicine. There is this intuition within me that I was not meant to do something like medicine for my career. I did apply for the course though, after being disappointed with not securing a place at the law faculty, but I think my sentiment was confirmed when I went for the medicine interview, and found the atmosphere of working in such a clinical environment and dealing with such austere knowledge of the human body most stifling.

And I have never considered doing a business degree either.

I suppose considering the totality of things, a law degree seems like the best option for me. I would have wished that I would have found my forte in law, but it seems like that is not to be.

I do hope that God has a purpose and will for me, but recently, it seems like I have lost faith in God. I don't know whether one might think me naive, but I had believed that God can help me do well for my law school examinations even if I don't manage to figure out how to study effectively. Such a mindset might have gotten me complacent in the way I treated my studies, because even though I studied as much as I possibly could, I was rather laxed in my preparation methodology. But then again, I was rather foolish in the way I approached law school examination during the last semester, thinking that I could rely on reading only the textbook to prepare myself adequately for the examination.

Now, I try to study as much as possible and use whatever methods I can think of to prepare myself for the law school examination. I would read various textbooks, use the lecture notes and slides, use the muggers and notes from seniors, ask friends for the lecture notes that took...But I seem quite ineffective with using all these materials effectively to prepare for examination. I seem to lose sight of the connection between the various information easily and everything appears to me in a jumble. Law studies, unlike a simple taking of a General Paper examination, demands more than just being able to comprehend information. It demands a proficiency in using these information for a certain purpose. I just don't seem to be grasp this aspect of law studies.

It's unfortunate that I am not the man that I would like to be. I have a great esteem for academics and wished I could have my existence defined in such a manner. But I must now reckon with reality and find my aspirations dashed. So now, it's a rude awakening for me to see that I can no longer conveniently frame my existence as how I had wanted it to be. And I ask God, what then is the purpose of my existence?

I have asked God to help me do well for law studies, so not being able to get a hang of law school severely affected my faith in God. I still believe that God exist, but I am a little sad that he does not seem to be as personal to me as how I would like him to be by blessing me with such wisdom and intellect as to be able to breeze through law school.