Today’s
church sermon by Pastor Soh was on the passage of Mark 7:24 -30. It was about
the story of the gentile woman who came up to Jesus to beg him to drive the
demon out of her daughter. Jesus replied in what seems like a harsh insulting
manner. “First let the children eat all they want”, he told her, “for it is not
right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs. “Lord,” she
replied, “even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.” Then he
told her, “For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter.” She
went home and found her child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.
According
to Pastor Soh, Jesus’ purpose for his seemingly harsh and insulting words to
the woman was to inspire the words that came forth from the woman, which were
words professing a great faith. She believed that even the crumbs that are left
are powerful enough to dispel the possession of demons. And indeed, the extent
of Jesus’ power was displayed when he dispensed the demon with the simple words
“the demon has left your daughter.”
Pastor
Soh says that sometimes, the Lord inspires us with the opposite of what we
expect. We pray for recovery from illness, yet our condition deteriorates. We
pray to keep our job, yet we lose it. We may pray for success, but God takes us
through humbling experience. When we are in the depths of our woes, we will
throw ourselves into prayer, and are then inspired to true faith. But we can be
sure that when we pray for salvation, we will receive it. God himself has gone
through the most humiliating experience. When we ask, we will not find Jesus wanting
in grace, power, or wisdom. He will give us more than crumbs. Already, he has
given us his flesh and blood, Christ himself, his blessing.
I am
not sure whether I would have responded in the self-effacing manner that the
woman did. I have come to realize the fragility of my faith after experiencing difficulties
in law school. There is the struggle with socializing which I am familiar with
throughout my life. There was quite a comfort in being able to be away from
having to interact with many people during my army days as a clerk. School life
resurfaces the struggles I have to face with socializing. I find myself once
again quite a loner around in school, unable to find a social circle to hang
out with, and eating alone at the canteen during lunch time. I try to find friendship
from the Christian community such as the Varsity Christian Fellowship in school
because I believe that there is a shared value amongst Christians to love and
care for others, whoever they are. But my condition with Aspergers Syndrome can
be overwhelming, such that I feel estranged even from the Christian community
because I find it hard as well to associate with them.
I am
also experiencing difficulties in my law studies. I am not getting a hang on
how to do well for law school. It frustrates me the most to not do well for my
studies. I sometimes place my pride on my intelligence, believing it to be
compensation for my poor social skills, so it doesn’t do very well for my ego
to not do well in my studies.
I
have found my faith severely tested from the difficulties I am experiencing in
law school. My prayers to God to alleviate me of my troubles seem to have gone
unanswered. Like the woman in the passage, I wish that God would dispense with
my ‘demons’ by simply willing it so, but it seems that I am being rejected. I
don’t think I can profess a humble faith like that woman. I find myself angry
at God, to the extent that I would dispute his existence. I find it difficult
to find joy in going to church or participating in Christian-related activities
because I have been experiencing this gnawing sentiment within me that God
doesn’t exists. Perhaps it is God’s grace that I am still keeping the faith.
Perhaps there might be reason for the difficulties that I am experiencing, so
that my faith may be tested and be proven genuine (1 Peter 1:7). But I do hope
and pray that I might see the light at the end of the tunnel as soon as
possible.
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