I do not have any official diagnosis of Tourette Syndrome, but I think I do suffer from rather mild symptoms of it. I would find myself scrounging my face, or sticking out my tongue, or blurting out a particular phrase. These actions are sort of nervous tics, whereby I do not really have much control over the performance of such action. I am not sure whether these symptoms of Tourette have any association with my having Asperger's Syndrome, but I have read that they might be co-morbid. The nervous tics weren't so serious before though. I did not express such actions when I was in social settings. The symptoms somehow appropriately repress themselves when I am in a social situation. Moreover, these nervous tics are only occassional.
Recently though, the symptoms have aggravated somewhat. I find myself gasping. I also jerk my hands or twitch my neck. I find that these nervous tics express themselves even when I am in a social setting where people can see me. The expression of the nervous tics have become more serious in nature and of a more explicit nature. And I find myself uttering a phrase which I have not uttered before. I say "I hate God". It's a worrying symptom. The words come out of my mouth without my ability to control them. I suppose the stress that I put myself under during the school holidays when I decided to sign up for the AG cup moots wasn't too propitious to my constitution. I also suppose that I might be feeling certain animus towards God because of the tough time I am experiencing in schooling life, and such feelings express themselves in the Freudian slips from this aggravated nervous tics. I don't think this automatistic utterance truly represent my position though. I do struggle with my Christian Faith whenever I face problems, mishaps, or difficulties in life. But I do realize that my faith in God cannot premise simply on the ups and downs in my life. I would be considered too fair-weathered in my faith if I vacilliate in my faith in such a manner. I have taken a stand against prosperity gospel doctrines that only good things can happen to Christians. Still, I would like to believe that there is Divine Providence in my life, and that God would help me in school, foremost with my academics, and then with my social life which I find myself continually struggling with due to my condition of Asperger's Syndrome. But even if it should be the case that God would not help me to do well in school, I would like to place my trust in him and not worry so much about how my life would turn out. I truly want to believe that God will provide. I find much comfort from reading Matthew 6:25-32 where Jesus told his disciples not to be worried about food, drink and clothing because God the Father will provide all these, but I am still find myself doubting and am hence uneased with the difficulties that I am facing in law school. I am trying my best to get a hang of law school, but I don't want to be so utterly caught up with having to do well and being so anguished when I don't do well. I would like to have a perspective of things. I do pray to God for wisdom though, and I do hope he grants this to me. Of human intelligence and wisdom, who shall have these traits unless he or she be gifted with it in life, and who can give such traits except God. And now, I think I am lacking in such traits of intelligence and wisdom. Sometimes, I think to myself that I would just need to study hard to do well, but I think this thought folly. If I have the capabilities to do well, I must certainly acknowledge the capabilities that I have been endowed with and give thanks to God. There are people in life who are disabled to such a severe extent as to lack a functioning mental capacity, and there is no reason that I would not have been bornt or have suffered a fate such as them. I must therefore thank God for the abilities and capabilities that I find in my possession, for these are not to be taken for granted. And indeed, if I am lacking in such abilities or capabilities, would hard work alone solve my problems? Foremost, the ability to put in hard work is again a gift from God. But I know that hard work would not solve the problem when there is something truly lacking with one's capabilities, and I don't want to be disllusioned if I find myself not doing well despite putting in hard work. Hard work must be put into correct perspective with regards to doing well in school. I know of these properties called intelligence or wisdom which imbue in a human being the ability to achieve much good things in life for himself and for humanity. And God can endow it, just as he endowed King Solomon with it. I shall ask of God then for these things.
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