Philippians 4:12-13 - I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living or in plenty. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
I find myself most affected in my faith in God whenever I experience difficulties in my life. I begin to doubt whether God is a being who would help individuals in their respective lives on earth. I begin to think that I might be insignificant in the eyes of God such that my prayers to him would go completely unheeded. I sometimes find myself doubting even the existence of God.
Some of the difficulties that bog me down in life includes the difficulties I face in life due to Aspergers Syndrome and Tinnitus. However, I find that the sort of difficulties that affects me the most are problems that I experience regarding school life. When I find myself not excelling in my school work, I begin to lament against God for not giving me enough wisdom or intelligence to excel in my school work. I am sometimes obsessively angst about the possibility that I might have sustained brain injuries or damages that have caused me cognitive impairments such as to make it more difficult for me to excel academically. I once fought with my younger brother when I was in secondary 3. He had me on the ground by the lift lobby of the apartment floor, and pushed my head to the ground several times. I took several knocks to the head on the floor. It has become a somewhat reflexive response for me to become angst at the possibility that I sustain brain injuries from that incident whenever I find myself experiencing difficulty with school work. There are other instances which similarly cause me angst of the possibility of having sustained brain injuries, such as when I drank the can of beer my father bought that I found in the fridge when I was 10 years old as I was curious as to how it taste and the effects that it would give. I have been worried incessantly before that I might have suffered mental impairment from underage alcohol drinking, although this worry has since passed. Another instance which cause me angst is when I sustained whiplash effects when I was at the Escape Theme Park when I was 17 years old. I had finished the Go-Kart session, and had come to a stop at the holding area. The Go-Kart driver after me did not slow down when nearing the end, but drove continuously at a high speed and crashed the back of my Go-Kart. I experienced a mild giddy after the session from the whiplash I experienced, and am worried and angst of the possibility of brain damage from a whiplash effect.
Some of such instances which used to cause me angst in the past have since appear to me to be irrational or excessive. For example, I once feared that I sustained mercury poisoning after I accidentally broke a school laboratory thermometer during my physics practical exam in high school. I once had a fear that the electromagnetic radiation from the CRT monitors had some negative effect upon my brain. I do realize that I may be experiencing some form of obsessive compulsive disorder, such that I have found myself worrying about health-related conditions quite a lot throughout my life. I have read that this is called hypochondria, an irrational and excessive worry about health, and it is possible that I am a hypochondriac. A possible reason why my worries tend to revolve around brain injuries could be due to my desire to do well in intellectual matters, and my worry that any harm to my brain could make it more difficult for me to succeed in such respect.
I usually find my faith in God particularly affected whenever I don't do well in my academics. I usually trust in divine providence, even in matters of doing well academically, and when things do not turn out as well as I would like them, I begin to doubt the notion of divine providence. I begin to think that perhaps, there are certain things in life which I have to stake my success upon my efforts and capabilities. I begin to start becoming angst at the possibility of having sustained brain damage which would affect my capabilities to do well in school.
I think I shall have to count my blessings, I had a near-fatal encounter when a speeding car missed me by an inch when I was 17 years old. It was in Malaysia, and my family had drove to the house of Aunt Meili to visit her. Her house was adjacent to a long stretch of road. My Dad had parked the car on the road shoulder. I was a little reckless in the way I got out of the car by not checking for oncoming cars on the road. I was momentarily paralyzed with fear when I saw the speeding car heading towards my direction, and missing me by virtually an inch. If I had moved out further onto the road, I might have been killed or severely injured. I was thanking God that evening for his protection of my life. I don't think I can ever take my life for granted, for I may very well be dead today. I shall have to have perspective of all the other concerns which worries me in life, such as academics and social life. To be able to live is something to be grateful about.
I have met people in my life who experience very real troubles and hardships, and who have remained firm in their faith in God. I have found inspiration in their lives on how to live. I don't think I experience as much or as severe a difficulty in life compared to them, yet I am so adversely affected in my faith over the comparatively small troubles I face. It shames me to realize how fragile my faith in God is.
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